The surprise 25 // Jan’s no plan – plan… 3 years away from home- f.t Pepe Lopez.

25.

Where did you come from?

All of a sudden you crept along and ruined my ‘it’ll be alright…’ mentality.

Now instead, I find Edna Mode’s voice in my head repeating –

‘Darling, what are you doing?’

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Your odd number and serious presence is not one I expected to welcome so soon.

Miley Cyrus’s 2013 cry for help, seems much more understandable now.

But, as I can’t afford a wrecking ball to swing on at the moment, it seems that my 1/4 life crisis has dabbled its way into my life in more unusual ways.

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Ru Paul seems to have taken on the role of my number one therapist and spirit guide.
My Shania Twain leopard print obsession has now started to take over my wardrobe. And whenever my bank balance insists that I do not spend any more money… I instead go on a brunch crawl out of fear and buy five bowls of coffee (tapping my card against the machine each time with one eye open).

WHAT WAS THAT SIR? An extras $5 on Sunday’s? Oh coolcoolcool I’ll have two please.

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Despite severely overusing the confused face emoji, 25 does seem to be quite the turning point for me…

Even though I do feel like my love for Justin Bieber should have worn off by now, my tolerance for humans in general has certainly gone down.

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I also now finally understand cats. If you want to learn about self-empowerment, these felines are your go to for advice. Their sass and attitude has become nothing but admirable. Just one look and you are at their mercy. Will they snuggle on your lap or launch a surprise claw attack from the side? YOU JUST DON’T KNOW.

Yet, despite another birthday, other than my recent cat analysis venture – I can’t say that I am any wiser…

I still keep up with the Kardashians more than I keep up with my rent.

Every time that I sign anything, I have to deny my inner Britney – and resist the urge to add a heart above the ‘i’.

But probably the main turning point for me has been that I have now entered the 25 – 30 category on questionnaires. Most of those questionnaires being from buzz feed, to find out what Avengers character I would be. (For those who are wondering, I’m Thor… I checked 3 times).

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I thought that by now I would at least be able to afford the snazzy tequila. But Pepe Lopez still seems to find his way onto my shelf. For those of you who are not familiar with Pepe Lopez, it is a multi purpose tequila that can both get you drunk and also clean your kitchen surfaces.

Sometimes I question whether – A Series of Unfortunate Events – was actually based on my life. But then my not so melodramatic mind re-appears, I throw a few jazz hands here and there and re-group.

The magic portal of social media has a tendency to make it seem like everyone I know has their shit together. Engaged, babied up, making actual meals at dinner time. Yet, I still fail to remember my password that has been the same for everything… Since around age 14.

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Plan A and B seem to be completely out of the window, so instead of having C mock me as well – I’ve decided to give up on any form of plan. The whole alphabet of plans can quite frankly f off.

What the – surprise 25 – has taught me so far – you can make as many plans as you like, but life loves a plot twist…

When I left England I was 22. I didn’t know what to expect, or what I was doing, but I love to run away from my issues. So, I thought leaving the country would surely erase them completely?

Now 25 and not having been home for 3 years, I’ve found myself questioning what would have been different if I had never left?

Cue – the medaling sliding doors moment, that seems to enter my mind every time that I’m about to fall asleep…

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It’s weird looking back on such a huge chunk of time like that.

It makes you realise (dare I say it) how everything really does happen for a reason.

I seem to have be spoilt with a ridiculously, wonderful 3 year adventure. With all the ups and downs of a Gilmore Girl episode (and with just as much eating).

And honestly,
I would not have changed a single thing.

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The loving people I have met, the places I have seen, the questionable sleeping arrangements… The whole shebang!

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I have managed to convince myself that I am meant to be at certain point in my life at 25…

Due to be wed, investing in a house, world domination and all that.

But in all honesty – I don’t want that right now.

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Sure, world domination would be cool, but I have got some other stuff on the ol’ to-do list first…

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I want to eat all of the maple syrup in Canada. Sit in a moody cafe in New York on a rainy day with a bucket of coffee. Write lots of adventure story books. Somehow, be-friend a Kardashian. Feature in a scandal story on E-News. Become a guest judge on Ru Paul’s drag race. Work my way into the story line of ‘The Hills’ re-boot (Justin Bobby I still love you). But most of all – somehow… Someway. I want to get invited to an Elton John party and drink champagne whilst lying on a piano as Cher serenades me.

(no pressure Universe)

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So.

Instead of dwelling on where I once thought I should be now, I have decided to instead sink into 25’s unpredictable safety pinned dress, whack on some holey running shoes and charge full speed into all of its wonderful uncertainty.

My booty is getting proactive.

(not the American spot cream, but just more efficient in life choices)

I’ve started adding some extra dollars to the Cher dream fund.

Bridget Jones movies are being avoided at all costs to avert accidentally manifesting spinsterhood and heartbreak.

The – 10,000 cookies a day – diet has been swapped for meals that look like something Gwyneth Paltrow would feed to her children.

And the mental breakdown wrecking ball investment will instead be used for a lavish Miley Cyrus themed party. (p.s you’re only allowed to attend if you look like / or indeed are – a Hemsworth).

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I don’t know where I’m heading, or how long I will be here for, so I’ve decided to make the whole event as grand as possible.

So, here’s to the dazzling, every changing – no plan – plan.

Who knows, maybe 26 is the year I upgrade to the fancy tequila.

But until then – looks like me and Pepe best start building those dreams.
(We’re coming for you Elton)

If you too find yourself in doubt.

Ditch the plan. And think – cat.

Jan

x

 

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